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Post by e on Jul 18, 2021 12:12:57 GMT -6
“I’m getting tired of answering questions you should already know the answer to.” Miranda could feel the contempt leaking out of Emma. “Yes, of course he wanted to wait until the problems were dealt with before saying anything. If he had said anything before, you probably would have been even more weak and unhelpful throughout this whole thing than you already were.”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 18, 2021 12:46:40 GMT -6
Weak and unhelpful?
I was dealing with people I felt a kinship to because I thought they were family, only for two-thirds of them to betray that trust and kinship.
I was dealing with my guilt at my nuclear family's death, having to go back to the house I finally called home, and to the place where I found their bodies. I didn't even spend as much time as I wanted to there because this had grown to be bigger than just me.
All of this was personal, and that's why it was hard. Or why I was so "weak" and "unhelpful".
But I guess it's too much for you or Ben to empathize with. Too much, or too foreign, what with not being able to feel close ties to family, and able to just shut off your emotions. Or dare I say have no emotion.
Miranda thought about voicing her thoughts, defending herself. But she also wondered what would even be the point - Emma would not be swayed by pathos, and maybe not even ethos, only logos. And Miranda had no logical way of defending herself against the accusation of being weak and unhelpful.
If the silence wasn't already telling to Emma, Miranda's heartbeat would have been enough to give her notice that her words had stoked Miranda's anger.
"Sure," Miranda ended up saying though, rather tersely. "Fine. I don't really have any counterpoints to offer."
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Post by e on Jul 18, 2021 13:18:29 GMT -6
“How boring.” Emma sighed and hopped of the edge of the table. “You really are so much less than you claim to be. You won’t even stand up for yourself to a dead girl and yet you consider yourself strong willed.” She taunted.
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 18, 2021 13:44:34 GMT -6
"Nothing I say is going to convince you otherwise, so why bother wasting the time and effort?" Miranda questioned. "I could argue that Ben simply and immediately took point with all of this once the others got involved, and rather than butt heads and try to take the lead, I worked with him, helped where I could, played to my strengths, and used what resources I had access to, but I think the primary issue here with me being weak and unhelpful is my value of family and how it affected everything. And... I can't really argue against that from a logical standpoint. A lot of this was personal for me. It involved people I thought would share familial kinship with me but didn't, and revisiting personally traumatic and emotional experiences. So, no, I wasn't on my A-game. I could say it's not going to happen again - no more extended family to deal with as far as I know, not that I'd make the same mistake again, and I've found some closure and peace with my nuclear family - but there's no way for you to know that for sure unless you trust in what I'm saying."
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Post by e on Jul 18, 2021 15:37:41 GMT -6
Emma’s eyebrows shot up the moment Miranda claimed that she had been playing to her strengths.
“Really? You’d consider moping around and denying the obvious connection between those three and your grandmother playing to your strengths? You’d call summoning your moms ghost and not speaking to her at all using the resources that you have?” She rolled her eyes. “I know you see me, and maybe Ben too, as Spock-like heartless beings that will only be convinced by cold hard logic. But we have lots of emotions. You just aren’t receptive to them.”
She leaned back against the table, both of her arms behind her.
“We’ve all got trauma, Miranda. The difference is that some of us stop using it as an excuse.”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 18, 2021 16:53:38 GMT -6
"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to apologize for feeling the way I felt? Admit that it was stupid, that I was being stupid? Because sure, I will!"
Miranda put a hand on her forehead and began to pace around.
"Maybe I wanted to believe in the best of them, because I wanted to feel that family kinship again. I moved around a lot, the only constant in my life being my nuclear family, so yeah, I was really close to them. Maybe I was hesitant and wanted proof before coming to the conclusion that there was a connection between Julian and the rest and my grandmother, because I didn't want to admit that someone I was related to could be so awful. Being my grandmother and a harpy is one thing, being a cruel criminal ringleader is another. Being my aunt and wanting to help me is one thing, and-"
She hesitated, but pushed through.
"-And being secretive and duplicitous and a fucking pawn to your mother's wishes is another. So believe me, I'm not going to be so blind to so-called family ever again."
She took in a ragged breath before continuing.
"As for my mom's ghost...no, that was real shitty of me to do to Ben," Miranda admitted more quietly. "And to her. No excuses."
She stopped and faced Emma. "But don't tell me that I'm not receptive to yours or Ben's emotions. I've tried to be. Maybe not so well, considering the results, but I've tried to check in and see how things are going on an emotional level. But I get nothing in return, or it gets turned back on me. That I'm, hiding by asking about others and not focusing on myself, that I'm not being selfless but in fact being selfish. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't, Emma. It feels like I'm being shut out."
"But maybe that's my fault too, considering the thread of this conversation," she muttered. She recalled the night she had promised Ben that she would fix this, but he hadn't needed reassurance in that moment, just someone to vent to. Something Miranda had realized too late. Yes, again, something that was her fault.
Though she still felt like she was damned if she did try to check-in with Ben, and damned if she didn't.
Miranda resumed pacing. She wasn't certain how to respond to Emma's statement about trauma being an excuse. In some cases, yes, maybe it was an excuse, but in others it most certainly was not. She looked down at her right forearm. It wasn't covered in bandages in the dreamscape, and neither was it injured. Maybe she should clear the air.
"Revisiting New Orleans brought back both good and bad memories and in one case a panic attack, but the only true traumatic thing out of all of this was the lizard man," she admitted. "And the fight with Kat."
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Post by e on Jul 19, 2021 8:25:13 GMT -6
“I should be charging by the hour.” Emma muttered under her breath as Miranda laid out her feelings. She broke away from the table before she started talking again.
“I assure you I’m very proud of you for dealing with your emotions, but you’re missing the point on why you’re a burden.” Her shining, bright blue eyes were a different kind of threatening than Ben’s. “Do you think it gets easier from here on out? That now that you’ve conquered your idiotic idea that your family have to be good people simply because they share lots of your DNA that now you can face anything? You can’t protect him, Miranda, but he is constantly worrying about protecting you.”
Emma took gradual steps as she advanced on Miranda.
“How many times do you think I’ve watched him die for people who don’t deserve it?” Her eyes narrowed as she leaned in close to Miranda. “Let me be very clear in a way even you won’t forget: you are not like us.”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 19, 2021 9:44:43 GMT -6
Had Emma not poked and prodded Miranda, maybe she would have shirked away. Instead, she stood her ground as Emma got in her face, heart pounding in her chest.
"Believe me, I have no illusions about being like you or Ben, wings or no wings," Miranda said in a low voice. "My life and experiences are far different from yours or Ben's, and in your case, far shorter."
If you want to be a good, moral, ethical person-
"But if I'm exactly like you or exactly like Ben, where does that leave everyone? In a giant echo chamber. Isolated. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say delusional, spiralling in the same closed feedback loop, over and over and over again. You and Ben need a different perspective to keep yourselves grounded to reality - as much as I need yours and Ben's perspectives to keep me from becoming idealistic. Call it symbiosis, call it a burden, I don't know and I don't particularly care. But I think you're being naive for believing that me being exactly like you or Ben is going to change anything for the better. It'll only make things worse."
"And for the record- " Miranda hesitated for a moment, but continued on. "-I might not be a strong physical fighter or athlete or know how to fight with a sword, but how do you think we all survived that final fight when we were being swarmed by humans with fucking magic items? Did you really think that Ben's plan was infallible to where it just worked flawlessly? Don't get me wrong, it was a good plan, but we both know plans don't survive very long once they meet the heat of battle. Or, you know, do the insects just not matter? And Kat - she just suddenly got pulled back by the divine will of the universe before she could strike Ben, and stayed in that pond because she got skewered with a sword, right?"
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Post by e on Jul 19, 2021 11:35:44 GMT -6
A chuckle escaped Emma’s lips, the kind of pitying laugh that let Miranda know nothing she said had swayed her.
“To keep us grounded? Really?” She scoffed. “Is that seriously what you think you’re doing? Is that really your pitch that you think is going to make me change my mind?”
Emma and Ben had the same way of playing up something they thought was absurd .
“He lets you put the sprinkles on the cake one time and suddenly you’re a world class baker just like him. I guess you’re lucky that he’s the one you have to convince.” She added.
“Convince me of what?” Came Ben’s voice from across the room. He stood next to the pool table, looking quizzically between the two of them.
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 19, 2021 12:16:27 GMT -6
Miranda's gaze flicked to Ben when she heard him speak.
But she wasn't done with Emma yet.
"I get why he feels he needs to protect me. He doesn't want to experience the emotional whiplash of losing someone again. And I get why you think I shouldn't be by his side if I can't protect him. You don't want to see him throw his life away protecting me, because Ben is all that matters to you, for a whole variety of reasons."
"But I don't even get the chance to prove I can protect myself, Emma - or hell, even protect him. You try reacting before he freezes time and solves everything in six seconds. From what you can see, it looks like I do jack-shit or all I contribute are sprinkles, so no wonder you think I'm helpless. But trust was never extended to me to begin with, Emma. You and him are afraid I'm going to burn my hands or drop the cake or do some other kind of disastrous baking metaphor. How am I supposed to prove my worth if I never even get the chance?"
Miranda shook her head and pursed her lips.
"It's like Brandy and Julian expecting that Ben will just suddenly flip and start harming them, and all Ben can do is just...continue to not harm them to prove them wrong. And there's nothing he can actually do to change their minds except for doing just that and continually assure them that he won't hurt them. You're waiting for something that may never happen; you're putting the cart before the horse, Emma. You may have seen Ben throw his life away throughout however many lifetimes you've lived to save someone he loved, but you can't claim for sure that it will happen again with me. All I can do is just try to keep him alive, try to stay alive myself, and keep assuring you I'm not going to let him or myself die. But-"
Miranda paused and took in a breath.
"-It's like I said at the beginning. Nothing I say is going to convince you. So maybe you should try fixing some of your trust issues first, before saddling me with blame for something that hasn't happened yet and may never even happen."
Miranda stepped around Emma and walked up to Ben. She tried to take a deep, calming breath before speaking.
"Hi." Her voice was calmer, but Ben could still detect the undercurrent of frustration. "Yes, I'm here now. I hear you want to be done with me after everything with the inheritance is resolved because I'm more of a burden than a help. Is that true?"
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Post by e on Jul 19, 2021 12:29:25 GMT -6
Emma silently took in Miranda's words, looking down at her with a constant smirk. Her monologue might as well have been classical music the way Emma seemed to enjoy the emotion radiating off of it.
Ben looked over Miranda's shoulder at Emma, some sort of silent understanding passing between the two of them.
"I don't think it's exactly that simple." Ben reached over and starting spinning an 8-ball with his thumb, keeping it in place with the tip of his middle finger. "But, yeah, I think it would be better that way."
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 19, 2021 12:43:58 GMT -6
What will it take to convince you otherwise?
Miranda quelled that first thought. Later, she told herself.
"Why?" She asked instead. "How is it more complex? I want to understand, Ben, fully and completely. What changed? Was it when we had our fight? Or when you lost your free will and I still had mine? Or was it more gradual?"
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Post by e on Jul 19, 2021 13:05:46 GMT -6
Ben looked down at the ball of resin still spinning between his fingers as he talked.
"No. It wasn't any of those, actually." He said unenthusiastically.. "If you made me pick a moment, I think it was when I watched the way you talked to your brother. After fixing the whole 'I'm a ghost with no clue' thing, of course. It made me realize that I can't be what you need. That the sorts of feelings you cherish are the sort that I can't give you. And even if I can... I don't think I want to."
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 19, 2021 13:33:56 GMT -6
Miranda blinked, shocked at his admission. That was not what she had expected Ben to say. She rapidly went through her interactions with her brother's ghost in her head. Catharsis and relief were predominant, but that didn't seem correct in this context. And she had fallen back on witty jabs at Carter in the time period between dismissing his ghost and bringing him back to reality, but he was her brother, it was her job as older sister to poke fun at him. And what else was she supposed to use to stave off the gravity of seeing him again, if not humor?
"What sort of feelings do you think I cherish and need fulfilled?" Miranda asked.
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Post by e on Jul 19, 2021 14:56:07 GMT -6
“Love.” Ben answered quickly, though still without much emotion. “The sort of caring, respectful love that I can tell makes you feel happy.”
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