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Post by e on Jul 20, 2021 19:34:36 GMT -6
“That seems sort of obvious to me, but sure.” Ben did, indeed bear with her as he waited for her to say more.
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 20, 2021 20:12:19 GMT -6
Miranda slowly got out of the chair, her hands the last things to let go. She forced herself to keep them at her sides, instead of intertwining her fingers together.
"Then maybe in that same vein, goodness isn't the absence of bad thoughts or impulses, but the conscious choice to behave according to your moral ideals in spite of them," she continued. "And...I can't read your mind, Ben, but I've seen your actions. And they're telling of what your moral ideals are, which, as far as I can see, fall in line with what most people would consider to be good. What I consider to be good."
Miranda swallowed.
"And, maybe I'm way off base, and you're not acting out of moral ideals. Or maybe you can't accept the good that you've done, only the bad or horrible or fucked up things that occupy your mind like loud and red klaxons that drown out everything else. I don't know. All I have are your actions, and what they tell me. And they tell me that at your core, you have goodness in you."
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Post by e on Jul 21, 2021 10:26:51 GMT -6
Ben looked down at the edge of the bed, contemplating everything that Miranda had told him.
His lips curled up into a tiny smile, a silent chuckle escaping out of his mouth.
“You really are too nice.” His hand came down, his fingers touching the front corner of the bed frame. “So let me quit hiding, then.”
His fingertips brushed across the wood as he strolled around the front of the bed to her.
“What makes me happy isn’t doing good. It’s knowing just how much I exist in the minds of others.” His still messy hair hung in front of his eyes. “Watching the way people look at me, knowing that they see me as something so much more than another person. I love hearing myself talked about, I love the way people’s heartbeats change when they realize what I am.”
He had to take a moment to try and slow his own heart, letting out a breath after a hard swallow.
“I don’t want to be grounded, Miranda, I want to be so much more. For some people it’s fear, some people it’s respect, for some it’s lust. And for some people like you, it’s all of them. And I’ll do anything to get more of it.”
He moved his right hand like he was going to hold it out to her, but stopped himself.
“It isn’t love Miranda, it’s a sick obsession with getting people to treat me in ways I would never treat anyone else. I would rather slit my own throat than kneel before someone. But that’s exactly why watching someone else doing it to me... there’s nothing else like it.”
His hand came up above his head, touching something that wasn’t there.
“Sometimes I don’t even need the wings.”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 21, 2021 10:58:51 GMT -6
She looked down at her hands again. Cold.
He's right. He's not able to give you what you want. What you're looking for.
What am I looking for?
Home.
Didn't you learn that home isn't a place, but a person? Sometimes even several people? Home was your family.
But I don't have them anymore. I don't have a home.
Does Ben feel like home?
He could have. It's foolish to try and recreate what I had, but we could have built something new together. It’s not about hand-holding for me. It’s not about touch. It’s about intimacy, mutual intimacy - in all its shapes and forms. And if he can’t give that...if it would have just been a facade, a lie...if all he cares about is himself, his ego, what others do for him, if reciprocating anything based on someone else's wants and desires is so repulsive to him...
We shouldn’t both be wasting our time.
"All this time, you've led me on. And I was too blind and desperate for something to fill the void to see," Miranda murmured.
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Post by e on Jul 21, 2021 11:40:57 GMT -6
“Led you on?” Ben looked back at her. “I didn’t stay around to lead you on, Miranda, I stayed because I wanted to help you. I gave you every single opportunity to leave. I respected every single boundary you set.”
He turned away and walked almost out the door, putting a hand on the frame.
“Sorry you were desperate enough to care about someone like me. But you’ve got money now, you’ve got people. So just go hang out with Julian or whoever else, and you can come find me when you need somebody murdered.”
He walked out of his own room and into the hallway.
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 21, 2021 14:04:21 GMT -6
Miranda's feet moved of their own accord, following Ben out into the hallway.
"But all because you wanted to keep power over me, right? Fear, respect, lust? Not maliciously, no, but power was why you helped me, not out of the goodness of your heart. You respected my boundaries, yes, but it's like you said earlier - even if you could give me what I want, or continue giving me what I want, you don't want to. And then all this relationship would be is one-sided, with the scale tipped in your direction."
She longed to grab his shoulder and turn him around to face her, or to seize his arm or hand to get his attention. But the way he had pulled away from her the last time she had done so was fresh on her mind. Miranda took a hard swallow, knowing that she would have to rely on being emotionally honest and vulnerable, and not on physical intimacy to try and get her point across.
"I've liked you since I met you, and I've slowly been falling in love with you, even with all of the horrible things that have happened, even after you wanted to put things on hold until I got my inheritance.
"I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've laid awake and fantasized about teasing the fuck out of you, making you gasp and moan and tremble underneath me. Tying you up or somehow restraining you so that you're helpless against me.
"How I can't get enough of the verbal sparring matches, charged with cleverness and wit, humor and flirtations, it's like catnip to me, Ben. Or hell, I even liked the opposite side of the spectrum too, with us having a frank discussion about things and people's lives without feeling the need to win anything - just enjoying hearing our thoughts and opinions.
"I want to know more about what you like to do and what you're good at, skateboarding, sword-fighting, et cetera, and even find things we both enjoy doing together. I've been on board with sparring matches and fighting lessons since you first mentioned it, and maybe we were limited by resources and other important things, but we only did that yesterday and even though it had a purpose, I found myself enjoying doing something with you. Falling in sync with you, in rhythm, as a team. I've been enjoying doing things with you, as much as I also enjoy doing things on my own.
"And those rare brief moments where you're open and emotionally honest with me? I've treasured them, because I know how rare they are, and how much trust it requires. It's always been a struggle for me to be emotionally vulnerable with others, Ben, but because of you, I've been trying be open. To be open to you, and for you. And I am grateful that I can share my hopes, my dreams, my worries, my fears, with you without fear of judgement or ridicule or fear, and that you've been honest and helpful with getting my head back on track when I spiral. You think Julian or anyone else is going to give me the same thing? They're as terrified of me and my power as much as they are of you and yours.
"You've been starting to feel like home to me, Ben. That's not something I've felt since my family died. But what we have, what I thought was based in and growing in mutual respect, love, intimacy - that's only how it is for me, isn't it? For you, it's as you said: an obsession with getting people to treat you in ways you would never treat anyone else. You'd happily see me kneel before you, but you'd rather kill yourself than kneel before me. How you wouldn't want to give me what I cherish, even if you could. How is any of that a relationship if the only person who benefits from it is you? How can anything last if we both want different things, if I lose myself giving everything to you and receiving nothing in return?"
Miranda let her words hang in the air between them. She tried to keep herself still, but putting so much of herself out there left her on edge. She could feel herself start to shake, and even though she suppressed the majority of it, a few trembles escaped. And she could do nothing to hide her rapid pulse.
All she could do is wait for Ben's response. Hope, that he listened and would respond in kind, that he wouldn't somehow spin it around back to her and absolve himself or dismiss what she said outright.
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Post by e on Jul 21, 2021 18:59:24 GMT -6
Ben stopped, keeping his back to her as she spoke. When she finished, he turned, putting his back to the wall and looking out the large windows that lined the other side of the hallway. He opened his mouth as if to start speaking, but got tangled in his thoughts. A small bit of air came out of his nose as his lips came back together.
It wasn't often Ben had to stop and think about what to say.
"I guess to answer your question first, yeah, you're right, it can't last. That's why I wanted to leave as soon as I was convinced you would be comfortable without me. That's the whole thing that started this, right? There are a few things I think I should clear up though."
He spoke in a rather calm tone compared to his previous outburst. Perhaps something Miranda had said had calmed him down, or perhaps it had forced him to be very careful with his words.
"Saying that the only reason I helped you out was for some kind of power is... well, it's pretty fucking stupid, honestly."
He turned to look at her. It was hard to see in the dark, but there was the tiniest crack in his dark eyes, a subtle indicator or an emotion Ben never let anyone see.
He was hurt.
Maybe not a lot. But it was there.
"You're familiar with the Golden Rule, right? Pretty common philosophical idea, most of the world's belief systems have it in one way or another. There's actually two versions of it. Well, actually three, but this isn't a philosophy course. The first is the one you've probably heard: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The second is only slightly different in wording but is pretty different in practice: Do not do unto others as you would not want them to do to you. The second one simply means that you shouldn't go out of your way to do bad things, and it's the philosophy that some of us-"
He pointed to his temple, really pointing to the girl inside his head.
"-think is the better form of the saying. I, however, tend to subscribe to the first one, which, as opposed to the negative version, places on you an obligation to go out of your way to do the right thing. If you see someone fall down and get hurt or, maybe, if you see someone have their whole family murdered and on the run from their evil necromancer ancestor, you help them. It's what I'd want someone to do for me, right? So if you think that the reason why I helped you or the reason why I do any of the good things I do is just so I can feel superior, then you're wrong. I think that's a pretty fucked thing for you to say, honestly.
"I could ask you a lot of questions about what you think I should have done instead, if what I did was so wrong. I managed to help you defeat Charnock and get your inheritance from your criminal boss Grandmother and you still haven't had to kill a single person."
He held out his hand to stop any reply that might have been about to come.
"Yes, you helped with Kat, I know, we'll have to ask Alaina sometime if she can see assists."
It was hard to tell whether his sardonic joke was a good sign or not.
"But I know you'd just complain about me making this about you, despite apparently being so open with your feeling now, so I won't. But I'm getting tired of explaining to you that I can have an ego and do good things and feel genuine feelings at the same time.
"You're starting to sound like them again. There are parts of me that you love and parts of me that disgust you and you're desperately clinging to the idea that there's some Ben that exists with only the parts that you want. I've always thought that if I just kept those parts to myself that it wouldn't matter, that I'd still be able to do good. I enjoyed killing Kat, Miranda. I enjoyed killing someone who I saw as evil. I liked having a tough fight. I liked the feeling of taking all her power. And I liked the way I knew it made you feel afterwards.
But I stopped. I didn't push it any further because I didn't think you'd be okay with it. That was the goodness in me telling myself to keep the fucked up stuff to the fucked up people."
He pointed at his temple again.
"It's why I can't give her up. I know I can tell her anything, do anything with her, and the fact that she's just as messed up as I am means that I never feel bad about it. Despite that, we're not nearly as alike as you seem to think, but I won't bother trying to convince you of that. But the good part of me thinks it's unfair for me try and be something intimate to you when I know I could never distance myself from her. So I stopped.
"Where does all of these leave us, Miranda? I can't change the past, so if I was too nice, if I helped to much, if the thought of getting help from someone who likes the idea of people bowing to him is revolting, I'm sorry. But we're here now, so what do you want me to be? Apparently you don't want me to leave, unless you've changed your mind. Do you want me to be your boyfriend? Your roommate? You wanna live in the same city but 45 minutes away? It sounds like me you're just trying to sculpt the Ben you want.
Which is exactly what I'm stopping myself from doing to you."
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 21, 2021 21:58:34 GMT -6
Miranda shut her eyes, pressing her index finger and her thumb into them as if it could relieve the pressure that had built up in her head.
She was so tired. Tired from the day, the days plural, spent dealing with her grandmother. Tired from lack of sleep from nightmares about lizard men. Tired from the catharsis of letting out so much of what she felt just now. Tired of trying to understand, to make sense of Ben’s words. So tired of hurting. And hating herself for hurting him, by trying to understand.
The end of this needed to be seen through though. Miranda wouldn’t forgive herself if she left things as they were now.
“I’m not-”
She stopped, and let out a deep breath. She lowered her hand and opened her eyes again.
“I’m not trying to sculpt you into the Ben I want. I’m not saying that helping me, helping others, was so wrong. I… misunderstood what you were saying, I guess, and your intent behind those actions. That it’s more complex than this thing or that thing. I’m sorry.”
Miranda moved to lean up against the wall next to Ben, keeping about a foot between their shoulders and following his gaze out the windows.
“I’m not desperately-”
She stopped again, trying to formulate her next words.
“I’m not intentionally, desperately clinging to the idea that there’s some version of you with only the parts that I want. I’m… struggling to reconcile the version I’ve seen so far, with everything you’ve told me just now. Been telling me. You're really good at hiding it, or maybe I blinded myself like I said before, or maybe we're both to blame. I don't know. And maybe, with enough time, I can come to terms with it. Accept it. You know, how people say that you shouldn’t expect to find a perfect person, but someone whose flaws you can accept and live with. You like killing people who are evil. You revel in the struggle of a hard fight. You want others to... worship you; I suppose that's where the fear, respect, and lust come into play. And you have even more fucked up thoughts and motivations in your head that I don't even know about, because you share them only with her. The only person who doesn't make you feel bad for having them."
It was a clear night. Miranda could make out the moon - waning crescent. Nearly a new moon.
“And you are a good person too, Ben. You’ve killed people so I never had to. You tucked your wings away after you absorbed Kat’s power because you were concerned with how it would make me feel, even though you liked how it made me feel overwhelmed. You’ve...kept the fucked up stuff to the fucked up people.”
Ben could tell by the change in her voice Miranda didn’t like saying those words, but she had nothing better to substitute them with. His words had been apt enough, direct, and truthful.
“You decided to stop trying to be intimate with me because you thought it was unfair to me that you have so much with Emma, that you couldn’t have with me. A-”
She broke off, shaking her head and smiling a mirthless smile. A light, humorless chuckle escaped from her at how absurd her next words sounded, despite being actual reality.
“-A dead girl living in your head, that you can tell everything and anything to, and do everything and anything with. Someone who knows you better than you know you. And...you’re right. I- I- I can’t compete with that.”
Disgust with herself welled up at her stutter. Miranda bit her bottom lip hard, so much so that she thought she tasted blood. And in her tired state, her mental image of herself threw her arms up into the air in exasperation, because blood, and now her lip throbbed in pain, and now there was a chance that Ben would follow the Golden Rule and heal it, and then she would feel grateful, and then all of these other feelings would threaten to-
It took Miranda a moment to continue.
“I want you to be you,” she said quietly. “Good, bad, ugly, anything and everything that makes you, you. And I don’t want you out of my life, but I don’t think it can keep going the way it has been - not because of your ego or because you happen to have bad thoughts with good thoughts, but because what we have- what we had- we both agreed just now that it wouldn't last. I think distance would do us some good after I get my inheritance, or at the very least, distance would do me some good for a period of time. If Kei ever rears his head again, I want you to tell me and I’ll have your back 100%. If you have a magic or ghost problem, you call me and I’ll help you with it. If an anomaly needs investigating, you know I’ll help you with that too. Basically if shit’s going down, I want to be there with you to help. And...if you ever feel like talking, or hanging out, or doing something platonically as friends, you’ve got me for that too.”
It’d be about a week before the crescent disappeared and became the new moon, however. Miranda didn’t expect that she’d stay in Pittsburgh for that long. A pity - that was always the best time to go stargazing.
“What do you think about that?”
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Post by e on Jul 22, 2021 12:52:25 GMT -6
“I think that’s a good idea.” Ben agreed after a pause, though he still didn’t look over at her. “It’ll give you a chance to find some balance, maybe. Figure out what you want to do.”
Wouldn’t it make you feel good, having her crawl back to you?
Telling you how the world just wasn’t the same?
Disgusting.
He broke off from the wall and walked back into his room. Shuffling sounds could be heard from outside, and shortly after Ben returned holding the Ouroboros ring in his hand. He held it out to Miranda.
“You should have this back. Could even let Maddox take a look at it, might find something interesting.” He said.
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 22, 2021 13:27:35 GMT -6
Miranda took a step from the wall, looking down at the ouroboros. Remembering how she had given it to him, and why.
She reached out with a hand and gently took her ring back.
"Thank you," Miranda murmured. She looked back up from the ring. "And that's a good idea - he might find something me or my dad or Charnock never even knew. I told Maddox that I'd help him get into contact with someone in the magical community here, so that he can start de-enchanting artifacts instead of destroying and recreating them, so I can probably ask him then. Tomorrow, probably, or a day after tomorrow, depending on what he wants to do..."
You're rambling. Don't you have something you want to give back to him too?
Right.
"Wait here," Miranda requested. She turned around and disappeared into her room. She re-emerged and walked down the hall back to Ben, still holding something small in her hand.
"I was going to wait until morning to give this back, but since we're returning things right now..."
She held the watch out for Ben to take. It was difficult to make out the details in the dark, but the band and face of the watch looked darker in color than it had before, and only the lugs, bezel, and case of the watch remained gold.
"...Here. I finished this earlier this night," she explained quietly.
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Post by e on Jul 22, 2021 16:57:53 GMT -6
Ben let it lay in his hand as he inspected the newly renovated piece.
“It’s nice.” He said, flipping it over and testing the mechanism for good measure. “Thank you. Hopefully I won’t have to use this part as often for a while. But hey, that’s why it’s a watch. It always tells time.”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 22, 2021 17:24:43 GMT -6
The soft, yet stiff leather of the band brushed against Ben's fingers as he took the watch, and against the dark backdrop of the face, silvery gold specks glinted in the dim light, hinting that the face was not as dark as it seemed.
The blade emerged, as if it had never been taken apart or refurbished in the first place. The mechanism seemed to run even smoother and quieter than before too.
"Useful and subtle in many ways," Miranda agreed, giving a faint smile. "Can you tell what time it is now, or is it too dark?"
The numbers adorning the face appeared to be the same warmer gold as the bevel and case.
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Post by e on Jul 23, 2021 9:25:33 GMT -6
“Yeah, the shiny bits reflect just enough light I think.” Ben said as he took a closer look. “Sorry, I know it’s probably cringy to hear me refer to your artistry as ‘shiny bits.’”
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Post by The Traveler on Jul 23, 2021 10:10:14 GMT -6
There.
It had seemed dark before, but he managed to catch the light just right, and the dark face now shined subtly with several of those lighter silvery gold flecks. The smaller ones seemed more scattered and easily faded into the background, but the larger ones formed a more significant and familiar pattern.
Constellations?
Stars?
Was this the night sky or was this space? No, they were one and the same, from one's vantage from Earth, whether on the ground or out in orbit. He could make out the Big and Little Dipper, and several others that, depending on his knowledge of constellations, he would recognize or not recognize.
And the smaller ones...no, now Ben had the bigger picture. Though they were everywhere against the dark, dark navy of the "sky", a large portion of them congregated in a cloud-like band that spanned across the diameter of the watch face. The galaxy.
She had given him the night sky of the northern hemisphere, in miniature.
Time. Right, time.
The hands of the watch had remained the same warm gold as before, the same warm gold that complemented the dark navy face, the silver gold "stars", and the brown leather band, and they indicated that it was late. Post-midnight, before-sunrise late. 2:48 AM, to be exact.
"No, it's fine," Miranda assured him with a murmur. "I couldn't even begin to name the parts of your skateboard either, so no hard feelings."
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Post by e on Jul 23, 2021 10:32:09 GMT -6
“Never seen a skateboard quite like this.” Ben complimented. “Thank you, really.”
You should keep making things like these. Hopefully for people who actually deserve it.
“I guess I should let you go back to bed.” He was struggling to find more to say. Her heartfelt gesture clashed with their mutual decision to split, and the fact that she had worked so hard to create something special while he had simply... given her back something she had given him.
What have you done for her, Ben?
Kill her grandmother?
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